A Crash Course in Childcare
by Star Shadow 4
Summary: When the crew all become four year olds, can Janeway maintain the ship and her sanity? Fluff. Please R and R.


A Crash Course in Child Care  
  
Disclaimer: Paramount rules all. I'm not making any money off of this (not that I could).  
  
Warnings: Random and weird. No spoilers to speak of.  
  
Kathryn Janeway threw her PADD onto the coffee table, knocking over her coffee cup and spilling the contents all over the place. She had just about had enough of this. "Janeway to Torres. Will you come to my Ready Room?"  
  
She heard B'Elanna give an exasperated sigh from the other side of the combadge. This only further annoyed Janeway. That Klingon was not going to disobey her orders today.  
  
"Now, Lieutenant!"  
  
"All right, all right, I'm coming. Jeez." Janeway rolled her eyes and looked once again at the PADD B'Elanna had given her earlier that morning. Where did she get the idea that a spatial anomaly had appeared on the Bridge yesterday?  
  
Just then, the door chime rang. "Come in," Janeway called.  
  
Torres entered. She walked up to the captain's desk and slouched in a chair. "What?"  
  
"What's with this report? Spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, and there was not a spatial anomaly on the bridge yesterday."  
  
A shocked look spread over B'Elanna's face. "There was toooooooooo," she whined. The captain drew back, not expecting this kind of tone from her chief engineer.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes, and it's not my fault you don't remember it. I shouldn't be punished because you have a bad memory." She heatedly pushed back the chair she had been slouching in and ran from the room. Janeway decided not to go after her just yet. Maybe she was wrong; maybe something had happened yesterday and she just didn't remember. She decided to find out before she took further action. Just as she was settling down in her chair, she heard a large thump from outside the door. Sighing, she stood up and headed to the Bridge to investigate.  
  
As she exited her Ready Room, she saw B'Elanna was standing there holding a sore foot. Janeway's eyes traveled to the wall, where a large dent resided.  
  
"Torres, get back to Engineering and repolarize the shield matrix."  
  
"I don't want to!" She complained.  
  
"Now, Torres!"  
  
"I DON'T WANT TO AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!" She screamed at  
  
Janeway, stomping her foot for effect.  
  
Now Janeway was mad. "WANNA BET?!?! Tuvok, take Lieutenant Torres to the brig, and don't let her out until I say. Understood?"  
  
"But Captain, the brig is soooo far away. And plus, it's not logical to throw your chief engineerer in the brig. I don't wanna."  
  
"Not you, too." Breathing deeply, Kathryn turned to Tom. "Mr. Paris, please escort B'Elanna and Tuvok to the brig."  
  
"Ok, but are." a change seemed to come over Tom. "NO! I want B'anna to stay up here and watch me go up and down and left and right and." He continued on like this, throwing his head from side to side.  
  
"Mr. Kim?" She looked at him hopefully, but Harry only gave her a big grin in reply. She just waved them off and headed back into the Ready Room. She actually smiled in spite of herself, though the situation seemed somewhat hopeless.  
  
Before she had a chance to make it all the way back to the sanctuary of her office, the turbolift doors opened. Fearing the worst, Janeway turned to see who was coming. Her question was answered when none other than Neelix stepped from the turbolift, holding a plate of leola root.  
  
"Anyone want a snack?" Janeway rolled her eyes. Hadn't he figured it out yet? NOBODY liked leola root. She was too busy with her thoughts to notice the change on Neelix's face, and didn't notice it at all until he turned to Tom, who was still shaking his head in random directions, and threw a leola root at him. It hit Tom squarely on the head, causing him to turn his red face to look at the Talaxian. His mouth opened into a large black circle. Neelix only smiled at him, a rather devilish smile, and yelled, "FOOD FIGHT!"  
  
Tom immediately caught on, hurling the leola root at Tuvok. B'Elanna, not wanting to be left out, grabbed a leola root or two off Neelix's platter. Janeway ducked behind the engineering console, fearing for her life. From her hiding spot, she observed Chakotay stand up forcefully from his chair. At least her friend was still sane.  
  
"Neelix! Listen to me! Stop this immediately!" Chakotay grabbed the Talaxian, making him drop the platter on the floor with a startling crash. The cook struggled, crying out to one of the others for help. Tuvok snatched a leola root and whacked Chakotay on the head. Kathryn's first officer staggered, dropping Neelix. He tumbled backwards down the steps to land on his back on the command deck. Chakotay lay there, unmoving.  
  
Complete and total silence ensued. Harry stared at Chakotay, stuffing his fingers into his mouth. Tuvok blanched. Tom, still standing near the helm console, immediately threw his leola root across the room, whispering, "It didn't do it." B'Elanna stared at her friend, then walked to the center of the Bridge and sat down next to him, gently shaking his shoulder. Chakotay didn't move. Neelix also kneeled next to Chakotay, and began tapping him on the forehead where a large bump was beginning to form.  
  
Janeway, still at the engineering console, tapped some buttons on the console in front of her. B'Elanna, Neelix, Tuvok, Harry, and Tom disappeared, having been transported to their appropriate quarters. Kathryn waited a moment, then as an afterthought she locked the doors to all their quarters.  
  
She turned her attention to the limp form of her first officer. Chakotay's eyes flickered open, and he stared at the ceiling for a minute or two in disbelief. Then he burst into tears.  
  
Kathryn blinked. Then she quietly moved to his side. "Chakotay?" she asked gently. "Are you all right?"  
  
"Uh-uh," he moaned through his tears. "Tu-Tuvok hit me (sniffle) on the h-head (sniffle) w-w-with a le-leola root!" He dissolved into tears again. Kathryn watched, feeling helpless. Then she remembered what her parents had done for her every time she got hurt as a child.  
  
"Do you want a Band-Aid, Chakotay?" she asked sympathetically.  
  
"Uh-huh (sniffle)."  
  
"All right," she murmured, patting his hand. "I'll be right back with a Band-Aid for you. Stay right here. Be a good boy and don't touch any of the leola root."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Walking through the doors of her Ready Room, Kathryn groaned. Great. The entire crew had obtained the mental level of four-year olds.  
  
***  
  
Kathryn Janeway walked quietly into Sickbay, grasping Chakotay's hand. It felt a little odd doing that, but Chakotay obviously wasn't himself, as the bright neon green Band-Aid on his forehead proved.  
  
"Activate EMH," she called. Oh, please let him be normal. Please-  
  
She sighed. A rather grumpy-looking hologram appeared in front of her. He was tapping his foot impatiently on the floor. "Finally!" he shouted upon seeing the captain.  
  
"I've been waiting for, like, ever. Were you guys, like, gonna like, leave me in cybernetic oblivion forever? OH MY GOD, like, you are so like, RUDE!" Chakotay stared, gripping Kathryn's hand tightly. The EMH scowled at him.  
  
"OH MY GOD! You, like, have a green thing on your forehead. A Band- Aid? You are, like, such a baby!" Chakotay's lip started to tremble.  
  
"Uh-uh," he replied. "Tuvok hit me with a leola root. It hurts lots."  
  
"It hurts lots," the Doctor mimicked. "Let's give you another bump on your head." Chakotay screamed, running through the Doctor's office. The EMH grabbed a medical tricorder and chased after him. Before he could get very far, Kathryn shouted,  
  
"Computer deactivate EMH!" The Doctor shimmered out of existence. Kathryn shook her head, then proceeded to look for Chakotay.  
  
Walking through the Doctor's office, she called, "Chakotay! Chakotay, come out. It's okay, the Doctor's gone!"  
  
"Really?" came a voice from behind her. She turned to see a little boy climb out from under the desk. He had short black hair, brown eyes, and a tiny tattoo on his forehead. Along with a green bandage. He was dressed in a miniature starfleet uniform. She smiled. Chakotay had also been reduced to the size of a four-year old. Cute kid. She laughed at her first officer.  
  
"What?" he asked, looking up at her. Looking up.  
  
It was too much for Kathryn to handle. She dropped to her knees, laughing hysterically. Little Chakotay shrugged, then came over to tug on her sleeve.  
  
"I'm tired," he complained. "I wanna go home. Gimmie a piggy-back ride."  
  
Chuckling, Kathryn lifted him onto her shoulders, ducking so he wouldn't hit his head as she walked through the doors, exiting the deserted Sickbay.  
  
***  
  
Kathryn was sleeping in her quarters when she first heard crying. She stood up quickly, wondering what was going on. Her first thought was that Naomi Wildman was crying, but then she remembered what had happened to her crew.  
  
She got up and stepped into the corridor, searching for the source of the noise. A small, thin girl with Borg implants on her face was slumped against the wall, her tears leaking onto her catsuit.  
  
Janeway leaned down next to little Seven of Nine, asking quietly, "Seven, what's wrong?"  
  
The little girl put her head in her hands. "I can't find my quarters," she sobbed. "And my clothes aren't comfortable. They're all itchy."  
  
Janeway smiled. Ten minutes later, she and Seven reappeared in the corridor. Seven of Nine was now dressed in light blue kitty cat pajamas. Kathryn decided the little girl probably wouldn't like the thought of regenerating, so she led Seven to the guest quarters, and after settling the child into bed she hastily left, locking the door behind her. She sighed. It was going to be a long night.  
  
***  
  
The next day when Kathryn Janeway arrived on the Bridge, she found B'Elanna and Tom playing with the helm, Harry trying to reach his Ops console, and a miniature Tuvok spinning round and round on his chair.  
  
B'Elanna was looking frustrated. She pounded the keyboard hard, but nothing happened. Janeway smiled to herself, glad she'd remembered to lock her crew out of all systems. Quietly entering her command code, she fired up the ship and laid in course toward the Alpha quadrant.  
  
After a moment, she became curious. "B'Elanna," she called to the little brown-eyed girl with Klingon ridges. "How did all of you get out of your rooms?"  
  
B'Elanna grinned smugly. "I'm not the chief engineerer for nothing. Everybody can get out." As she spoke, the doors of the turbolift opened.  
  
All of the 'Bridge crew' turned to see who walked out of the turbolift. First came little Chakotay, looking bewildered to find himself on the Bridge, then out from behind him stepped-  
  
Janeway groaned. "Food fight!" Neelix yelled. B'Elanna snorted.  
  
"You're not smart, Neelix," she called. "There's not any food here for you to fight with. Besides, who wants a food fight? Us are not babies."  
  
Neelix pouted, and after settling down at the science station he began to mumble to himself. Chakotay, meanwhile, had managed to clamber onto his command chair, and was staring at the screen of his console with great interest. He reached out to tap one of the buttons.  
  
"Don't touch that!" Kathryn yelled as he nearly started the self- destruct sequence. Chakotay's hand immediately retreated back to his lap. "You almost blew us up," Janeway scolded in a harsher tone than she had intended. Chakotay's lip began to tremble. His eyes started to water. Then, without warning, he shot out of his chair and into the Ready Room. Kathryn groaned.  
  
She followed him in, ignoring B'Elanna's snickers. Little Chakotay was lying on the couch, crying into the cushions. Cautiously, Kathryn sat beside him.  
  
"Chakotay?"  
  
"Go away," he replied, turning away from her.  
  
She sighed. "Chakotay, listen to me. I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm sorry. I was just very concerned when you almost started the self- destruct sequence."  
  
Chakotay gave a loud sniffle, then turned to look at her. She reached out to wipe his tears away. "I'm sorry. Forgive me?" The little boy nodded.  
  
"Hug," he demanded, reaching for her. Kathryn hugged him tightly, smiling to herself. Why hadn't she and the real Chakotay ever tried solving their problems this way?  
  
After a minute, Janeway took his hand and led him back onto the Bridge.  
  
B'Elanna looked up to see the doors of the Ready Room open once more. The captain re-entered, accompanied by Chakotay. Kathryn hesitated a moment, then called, "Everybody follow me." She headed to the turbolift, and the rest of the people on the Bridge followed her.  
  
"Wow!" screamed Harry Kim. "This is really neat!"  
  
All 150 four-year olds, once the crew, stampeded onto the Holodeck. Kathryn smiled to herself, glad she'd decided to run this program for them. It would get everyone out of her way for several hours. Leaving the 'children' to play in the Forest of Forever, Kathryn headed back to the Bridge. Maybe now she could get some work done.  
  
***  
  
It had been six days since her crew's transformation and all the four- year olds were starting to get on Janeway's nerves. She had practically locked them in the Holodeck, periodically coming up with a new program to run. It kept the 'children' out of her way for the most part, though Kathryn discovered she was feeling a bit lonely with no one to talk to.  
  
She was sitting on the Bridge that day, alone as usual, trying in vain to strengthen the shields. It seemed like the shields always needed to be stronger. More power. she needed more power. Non-essential systems were a good place to get power. Of course, most of that power was being taken by the holomatrix at the moment, so she'd have to get it from somewhere else.  
  
Without realizing it, she began to sing; softly at first, though the song grew in magnitude as it went along. When she finally realized what she was doing, she went back to singing at a tolerable level.  
  
"A dream is a wish your heart makes." Kathryn trailed off.  
  
"That was nice," said a voice from behind her. She turned in her seat to locate the source of the voice.  
  
Little Chakotay was sitting on the stairs, looking at her. Trying to hide her surprise, Kathryn commented, "Hello. What are you doing here?"  
  
"I came looking for you."  
  
"Really? Why aren't you playing in the holoprogram with everyone else?"  
  
Chakotay clambered into her lap. "Big purple dinosaurs scare me," he whispered.  
  
Kathryn couldn't help but chuckle. Chakotay was afraid of Barney? That was pathetic. "What scares you about big purple dinosaurs, Chakotay?" she asked, curious.  
  
The little boy gazed up at her from his place in her lap, deep in thought. "They're- they're big, and. and purple. And they sing a lot. Their singing scares me."  
  
Kathryn laughed again. "And mine doesn't?"  
  
"Uh-uh." Chakotay shook his head vigorously. "Sing again," he demanded impatiently.  
  
Janeway smiled, but just then consoles all over the Bridge started blaring. "Warning, unknown vessels approaching," the computer announced blandly.  
  
Kathryn scowled, lifting Chakotay out of her lap and onto his chair. She raced to the tactical console, punching buttons as soon as she got there.  
  
The Bridge was tense for a moment as Janeway evaded attackers while firing at them. Exasperated, she called, "Chakotay, push the pretty red button in the middle of that console, would you?"  
  
The little boy complied, hesitantly scanning the console for a moment before jamming his thumb onto a button. The ship rolled over, sending little Chakotay flying out of his chair. Luckily, he didn't need another Band-Aid.  
  
The last blast of weapons fire was exchanged, then the enemy ships retreated. Kathryn smiled. Before she could congratulate her little helper, the turbolift opened.  
  
A little B'Elanna peeked her head out of the turbolift. Then, after a moment, she and the whole brigade of Kathryn's bridge crew paraded into view. Tuvok had his phaser out, and he was wearing dark glasses. B'Elanna clutched her bat'leth tightly, and she glared around as though searching for an opponent. Seven of Nine, still dressed in her pajamas, was sneaking out of the turbolift to hide behind the Ops console. Neelix wasn't present at the moment, for which Kathryn was grateful. Tom just looked wistfully around before heading to the helm console.  
  
As Tuvok took her place at the tactical station, she asked, "Tuvok. why are you wearing those glasses- and what are you doing with a phaser?"  
  
"I'm a secret agent," he muttered mysteriously. "I saw it on Sesame Street."  
  
B'Elanna scoffed. "You like Sesame Street? I like the Ninja Turtles. HAYAH!"  
  
"Go, go Power Rangers!" Tom sang from the helm console.  
  
"I like the Teletubbies," Harry interjected. Everyone stared at him. Blushing, he called, "What about you, Seven?" No answer. "Seven?" he asked, peering around the Ops console.  
  
The little girl popped up, causing Harry to jump back in surprise. "I gonna 'simiwate you," Seven said viciously, raising her hand.  
  
"Eek!" Harry screamed. "Freaky Borg lady!" He fled into the turbolift, pursued by Seven. The doors snapped shut before Janeway could intervene.  
  
Kathryn sighed. Just then, a squabble broke out at the helm console. Tuvok and Tom were both tugging on the arms of a teddy bear covered in red planets. Tuvok's glasses were askew, and he looked like he was going to cry. Kathryn leaned down and picked up Tuvok, yanking the bear out of both of their hands.  
  
"What's going on here?" she questioned. Tuvok started to cry.  
  
"He. he- he took my teddy bear!" He accused, pointing his finger at Tom while tears ran down his Vulcan cheeks.  
  
Kathryn glared at Tom, then handed Tuvok the bear, setting the boy down on the ground. Tuvok cuddled the bear tightly, hurrying into the turbolift to get away from Tom. Tom sat at his console, sulking.  
  
Kathryn was about to reprimand the helmsman, when a scream echoed from the other side of the Bridge. Pivoting, Kathryn observed little Chakotay being chased around the command center by B'Elanna, who was armed with her bat'leth. Kathryn grumbled to herself. Intercepting her second- in-command, she lifted Chakotay into her arms, where he was safe from his friend's deadly game. Chakotay threw his arms tightly around her neck, shrieking in terror, "Make her go away!"  
  
Kathryn rolled her eyes. She had never really liked dealing with little children. B'Elanna, expecting a lecture, scurried down the corridor as fast as she could go. Tom, a bit slower in the uptake, suddenly realized what she was doing and followed suit.  
  
Slowly, Kathryn set Chakotay on the ground. The little boy seemed hesitant to let go of her. She couldn't help smiling to herself. Then, sitting in her command chair, she called up a damage report. She groaned. "Chakotay, hand me a PADD," Kathryn instructed wearily.  
  
Chakotay searched the Bridge carefully. Several seconds later, he shoved a PADD into her hand. Kathryn glanced at it, then laughed. It was Harry's recent report on the Ops systems. "Chakotay. I need a blank PADD."  
  
"Oh." Chakotay retrieved one for Kathryn, drawing another smile from her. Then he settled himself at her feet.  
  
Kathryn had been on the Bridge for several hours before she heard soft breathing coming from the floor. Looking down, she found little Chakotay sleeping at her feet. Smiling to herself, she leaned down and shook him gently awake.  
  
Chakotay gazed up at her, rubbing his eyes sleepily. "Hey," she whispered, "how about I put you to bed now?"  
  
"Okay," he mumbled as she picked him up, carrying him into the turbolift.  
  
"Goodnight, Chakotay."  
  
"Goodnight." Chakotay's eyes flickered closed. Then, as she was leaving, he called, "Please don't leave. I'm afraid B'Ela's gonna come get me."  
  
Kathryn returned to his side. "You know how to use a combadge, right?"  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
She took his hand. "Well, if anything happens, just call me on the comm and I'll be right over."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Kathryn started to leave again, then turned back. It can't hurt anything, she thought to herself. Leaning down, she planted a soft and lingering kiss on his cheek.  
  
"That was. nice," said a voice she'd recognize anywhere.  
  
Startled, Kathryn looked down to where little Chakotay had been lying to find that real Chakotay had taken his place. Her first officer was grinning happily, gazing at her with a dazed look. Kathryn squeezed her eyes shut. How was she going to get out of this one?  
  
El Fin  
  
R + R! 


End file.
